Family jokes

Family Jokes are funny instances and conversations that occur between family members and there are some well known cliches too.

Cousin Family Joke My cousin went into our local video shop again and asked “I want to take out Batman Forever”. The female assistant replied “Sorry, you have to return it by Wednesday”. 

Family Jokes Alice is talking to her friend Maud in the local coffee shop. She says " I made a huge mistake at supper last night". I meant to say to my mother -in -law " Please could you pass me some butter?". Instead it came out "You stupid cow, you have totally ruined my life". My Gran was talking to my Mum the other day and said " But Angela my love, the best that we can ever hope for with men is that they learn to behave properly in public because they will never grow up." My younger sister came up to me the other day and said that God must love silly people. When I asked her why she said "Well, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have made so many of them would he?" My little brother was pondering the other day and asked "Why is it that in the U.S.A. they only choose the President from two people but they choose from 50 or so for Miss America?" My father gave me sound advice when I was growing up. He told me to never lend money from an optomist as they will expect you to pay them back. My daughter came to me the other day and said “Daddy, I like to worry" "Why is that?" I asked her. "Because 95% of stuff that worries me never happens. My father gave me some sound advice when I was growing up. He told me that I should never hit someone with glasses. A baseball bat does the job much better. Mother telephones her son “Your sister gave birth last week but I don’t know if she had a girl or a boy so I can’t tell you yet whether you are an auntie or an uncle". Mother telephones her son "Your Grandfather fell into a vat of brandy and drowned. It took four days to cremate him”. My cousin Jenny went into the local video shop last week and said "I want to take out Jerry Maguire". The female assistant replied "I want to marry Brad Pitt 

Comedy Family Jokes A father was speaking to his lazy son and says “I’m ashamed of your laziness. Do you know that Barak Omaba walked 5 miles each day to go to school when he was about your age?”. The son replied “Yes and he was President of the U.S.A. when he was around yours. A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly. She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right. One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said ” Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?” It is said that every fifth person in the world is Chinese. There are five in our family so it has to be one of either mum or dad, my sister Alice or my brother HiI-Chin-Yung. My money is on Alice. My wife witnessed an accident the other day and telephoned the emergency services. “Where are you” asked the operator. ” Tricloroethane Drive” she replied. “Can you spell that that for me?” asked the operator. “Hang on” said my wife “I’ll just get someone to push the car round the corner to Don Street”. A new Police cadet was taking their entrance exam and question one was ” If you were told that you needed to arrest your own mother, what is the first thing that you would do?”. She pondered for a moment and wrote down ” Call for back-up”. 

Dad Son Joke The following is a letter from a son at boarding school to his father. Dear Dad $chool is ace. I have made lot$ of new friends -$imon $tephen and $tanley. I really can’t think of any $tuff that I need just now. If it i$ okay with you though, $end me a note or letter a$ it would be $o $o nice to hear from you Your loving $on The reply came Hello Son I kNOw that EcoNOmics, oceaNOgraphy and AstrNOmy are more than eNOugh to keep you busy. The pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble and hoNOurable task so you can never do eNOugh studying. Take care hope you have enjoyed receiving my NOte. Love Dad 

Hilarious Family Jokes My little brother’s marks at school were pretty bad and one day surprised the teacher when he announced ” Not wanting to frighten you Miss but my Dad reckons if my grades don’t improve, someone’s going to get spanked. Auntie Gertie gave Bernice a surprise £20 for her birthday asking her what she would spend it on. “I’m going to give it to Jesus at Sunday school”. she replied. “I bet he’ll be surprised at getting more than 50 pence like I was. A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan. Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son. The sister responded “Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal.” I asked my ten year old nephew the other day “Billy, what do you think it would take to make marriage work? “Well, I’d tell my wife she looked lovely even if she looked like a bus”. he said. 

Hilarious Family Jokes Isn’t parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in the evening, you call the babysitter at least 5 times. When you have the second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to with the babysitter. When the thrd child arrives, you leave strict instructions that the babysitter only calls you if there is blood. Ask any father and he will say that they spent the first 18 months to 2 years trying like mad to get their daughter to speak and the next sixteen years trying to make them shut up. My daughter who was about five years of age was having trouble understanding what marriage was all about. I got out the wedding album to see if showing her through pictures would help whilst explaining the service to her. When we had finished, I asked her if she had questions. She replied “I understand now. That’s the day that Mummy started to work for you and me isn’t it, Daddy?”. A mother asked her son to go and get a pizza for the family supper. She gave him some money and a £2 discount voucher. When he returned with the pizza, he still had the coupon. When his mother asked for his explanation he said “Didn’t need the coupon as there was enough money without it”. 

3 things to avoid saying during childbirth 1. Are you certain there isn’t another one to come out? 2. Any chance that the baby will arrive before the Wedneday night soccer begins? 3. The kids have just phoned. They wanted to know what you had got planned for their supper. 

Silly Family Jokes Little Billy was on his way back from market with a box of melons which his father had asked him to pick up for him when suddenly, his cart hit a stone and the crate broke open. Melons flew everywhere but Billy was determined not to let his father down and made sure that he picked up every last melon that he could see. He feared that some were lost and that his father would be disappointed in him. “Sorry father, the crate broke and the melons went everywhere” confessed Billy ” but I did manage to retrieve ten of them”. “Good boy” chuckled his father ” I only bought a crate of seven” A young boy says to his dad “Dad, how much does getting married cost?”. “No idea son: I haven’t finished paying for it yet. 

Amusing Family Jokes My young son was overjoyed to receive a water pistol from his Grandma for his birthday. He rushed to the kitchen to fill it. “Mother, you surprise me “. Do you not remember how Timmy and I drove you mad with water pistols when we were kids?”. “Oh I remember, darling” she said with a huge smile on her face Janet has six children and although they sometimes look a bit ragged, they always seem to manage to be on time for chor on Sunday morning. Bernice, with only one child, is puzzled how she manages all six so effectively. Janet told her ” It is very simple. I get them ready on Saturday night”. Billy was having trouble with his mathematics homework do his mum thought how best to help him. She said to him ” If you went into the left pocket of your trousers and took out 40 pence then took another 35 pence out of your right trouser pocket, what do you think you would have”. Billy replied ” Someone elses trousers on because I’m broke. A brother and sister were having an argument and neither were willing to concede. The sister said ” Barry, I will admit that I am in the wrong as long as you admit that I am in the right”. He was in agreement and asked her to go first with the admission. “I am totally in the wrong” she said. Barry, with a little glint in his eye gave her a little wink and said ” You’re right”. 

Family Jokes My dad gave me this advice “Son, there are a couple of times in a man’s life when he does not understand a woman” “What are they” I enquired. “Before marriage and also after marriage”. As my Grandpa gets older, his memory is not quite what it was. Only the other day he asked me “You know your younger sister, the twenty two year old, what is her age?” My brother’s fiance’s father asked him the other day if he would be able to support a family in the future. He replied ” No sir, I had planned on supporting just your daughter; the others in the family will have to sort themselves out”. 

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